Fat, Not Ugly
It’s the same old story time and time again. If I’m in a group setting comprised mostly of straight men, I don’t get looked at. I say something and am barely acknowledged. If I am acknowledged, they are quick to bring up their girlfriend so I don’t get any ideas.
Why have I experienced this? Because I’m fat.
Because if a guy doesn’t want to fuck you, you don’t exist.
Women I interact with can be just as bad. They can be condescending, especially in not seeing me as a “threat” when around men. They call me “brave” when I post a thirst trap. They don’t include me in their aesthetically pleasing hot girl group photos. They have me as their only fat friend and don’t believe me when I try to talk about these things.
“Don’t be ridiculous. That can’t be it. It’s all in your head”, they say. Well, if that’s what they really believe then tell me, why do they also fear being fat? Why is fatness something they worry about and obsess over? Deep down, they must know and see how fat people are treated differently. The men they interact with are consistently so much nicer and warmer and more giving to them. They know that they need this, even if they don’t necessarily want it. They know fatness will take this away from them.
A very recent (albeit minor and insignificant example): me and a girlfriend met a man at a party. We quickly bonded with him in a friendly manner. At the end of the night, we both followed him on Instagram. He only followed my friend back, and not me.
Who cares? Right? I sincerely don’t care at all. He’s just some guy. However, this is the sort of thing that happens all the time. All these seemingly insignificant exclusions happen over and over again until they are forced to become significant. They are forced to be something I have to deal with and suffer because of.
I honestly feel shitty for talking about this. I hate bringing it up. I hate writing this right now. I don’t want to sound like some bitter, delusional, angry incel (which I’m not, because I do fuck). I fear I am perceived as someone who blames the world for her problems and doesn’t look inward. I loathe to receive the influx of well-meaning messages assuring me that I am beautiful, or that you’re attracted to me and that I only feel this way because I live in Los Angeles. Come to Omaha and you’ll be queen! This isn’t about how you feel as someone who knows and likes me. Hell, this isn’t even about how I feel, as someone who knows and likes herself. This is about the bigger picture. Being fat comes with social consequences. It affects me in friendships, in dating, and in my career.
The reality is that attraction is tied to success, especially in the entertainment industry. I’m sure right now you can name a handful of fat women who are successful comedians and actors. Go ahead and do so. Now, as you struggle to think of more than four or five names (and believe it or not, that’s progress), I implore you to also think about the entertainers who aren’t fat. Now, how much easier is that game?
I wish I hated myself. I wish I hated my body the way the world wants me to. Then, I would have done something about it. I would have taken any drastic measure I could to force my PCOS body to slim down. But, I can’t do it. I never could. I don’t hate how I look. When I see my reflection, I see an attractive person. Not flawless. Not perfect. But, also…not ugly. Sorry?
The world wants me to hate myself so badly. For any woman to be okay with how she looks, regardless of size, is considered radical. That’s so fucked. I know I have my privileges as well. I am considered “small fat” or even midsize (depending on who you ask). I know that people with larger bodies than mine experience what I experience on a grander and more profound scale than I do. In fact, all women experience being excluded to some extent and for such a wide variety of stupid, sexist reasons.
People often ask me why I do so much. Why do I insist on being a stand-up comedian, and on writing personal essays, and on dancing in a strip show, and now also on making a movie? There are many reasons. You know, like, because I enjoy it. However, I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a deeper root cause. Buried underneath the enjoyment and creative fulfillment this brings is the knowing that I have to do all this to be paid attention to. This is how I get noticed. This is how I can express the feeling of neglect and indignity in a way that I hope others will both finally listen to and understand. This is how I try to have a part in creating some type of change.
I know a lot of what you just read might come off as a bummer, which is totally my fault because yeah…I've been a bit of a bummer. Trust me though, I’m not trying to make this a sob story. I needed to give you this background information to also tell you this: the Alison Stevenson brand of “change” is to be horny about it. I’ve outlined the cons of fatness, but now, here are the pros: I have had all these years to learn so much about myself and to observe and grow so much as a person. This body has taught me a lot about the nature of attraction and sex appeal.
So much of the stuff we tell ourselves is hot and not hot is completely made up and not entirely decided by us. You might think you’d never fuck a fatty, but is that how you really feel or just how you’re made to feel? The truth of the matter is, we are all capable of being attracted to way more people than we think. This should be exciting news for you. That’s more people to be aroused by. More people to hit on and flirt with. More people to enjoy being around and getting to know. Wouldn’t you rather live in this world than the world now that tells you an attractive person only looks one specific way? And look, even if you insist on riding the “no fat chicks” train forever, that’s fine too. You can feel that way but still let fat women be sexual onscreen -- in movies and other media (not just niche pornography). You can still allow fat people to be publicly loved and adored, even if it’s not for you.
I want to live in that world, and I want to show it to you. That’s why I’m trying to get this short film made. I want to show how a fat woman can be confident in her body and can fuck freely and her weight doesn’t put a damper on the experience. In fact…it can even enhance it. Crazy, right?
Even after writing all this, I’m still not certain of anything. That’s another aspect of this film I love. It’s my attempt at showing you exactly how complicated interpersonal relationships can be for me and for other fat people who don’t always want to cry “fatphobia” when rejected or ignored, even when the evidence is quite compelling. Most of my romantic interactions are extremely confusing. Why do I have several platonic, dude friends who give me flirty vibes but never try to fuck me? Why is it so hard to break out of the situationship cycles I keep finding myself in? Maybe it’s because I’m fat, maybe not. Maybe that’s just part of it. I think what I like best about this film is the admission I’m making now: I make mistakes and, again, can’t be certain of anything. I follow my instincts and try to trust my gut as best I can, but it’s hard to know what other people are feeling about me and it’s hard to not see when I’m possibly being overly sensitive or reading too much into things like some people might think I am. I want to show you how I can be both confident and doubtful. Analytical and impulsive. Self-assured and nervous. Funny and sad. I want to show this part of my life and get all these ideas and contradictions out there. I may know my shit to an extent, but I am still very perplexed by a lot of other shit.
Perhaps if more people out there were given more opportunities to take in art that encouraged them to think about these things more deeply, I’d finally have some solid answers. At the end of the day, that’s what this is really about. Me getting some fucking answers. Just kidding. Sort of.
Well, let’s make this horny, funny, slice-of-life little film and go from there.
Our fundraising campaign for “So Do We Keep Fucking?” ends in two days, and we’re still in need of money to reach our goal. Please consider contributing whatever you can to help us make this movie. Your support is greatly appreciated, and will not go unnoticed! From the bottom of my heart, and from everyone on the team making this, thank you!