It’s worse than ever before. Of course, I am referring to my love life. What else would I, Alison Stevenson, be complaining to you about? This time around, I am focusing on how frustrated I am over the lack of romance in my life. Okay wait, yes, you're right, I have written about this before, but I promise you it’s different this time. This time around, it’s not only about me. At least, I don’t think it is.
Mind you, I don’t lack sex, or sexual attraction, or physical intimacy. I lack romance. I lack that deep, intimate, connection with someone special. I lack the spark, and that’s what I want. I want to meet someone I’m enthusiastic about who is just as enthusiastic about me.
What is the spark? First off, don't confuse a spark for lust. It’s not just about instant physical attraction, that’s just being horny. The spark is just as much mentally invigorating as it is physically. It doesn’t have to be an overwhelming feeling, but there has to be a base level of excitement connecting us together. The spark brings a happy, positive feeling. You click. It’s not love at first sight, or some extravagant, corny, romcom stereotype. The spark is earnestness, it’s fervor -- and that’s why it’s so clear when it’s missing. Where has the spark gone?
I can’t be the only one experiencing this, right? The general dating climate feels so disjointed lately. It’s as though there is no real purpose to dating anymore. Now more than ever it feels like dating is just something to do. It’s gotten to the point where I’m not excited in the lead-up to a date, I just find myself hoping it’s not dreadful.
What scares me is that this isn’t about romance being dead in the more conventional, superficial, sense. I’m not talking about not being wined and dined at fancy restaurants or what have you. I’m talking about having the desire to bond with another person on a deep emotional level. Where has that gone? I keep meeting man after man who seems not to crave such a connection. I don’t get actively pursued, and no one is committing to plans. There is a general passiveness toward dating in an age where dating is, theoretically, the easiest it's ever been. As my therapist would say, there’s no “positive charge”.
Perhaps it feels worse now because I have changed as well. I am not willing to tolerate apathy like I did then. I used to try and make connections happen due to my own scarcity mindset. I wanted things to work because I feared I wouldn’t be able to meet another man who had at least some of the qualities I was looking for in a partner (despite their abundance of qualities I wasn’t looking for). I guess you could say I’ve grown? I feel better and more sure of myself than ever before. I like who I am, I take care of myself, and I’m highly motivated. I find that the other connections in my life are very satisfying, despite not being romantic. I feel good about my creative output. My work is more successful than ever. None of this has rewarded me in dating, if anything it might be making things worse?
Believe it or not, men are lonelier than ever. A Pew research study published in February of this year noted over 60% of men under 30 are currently single. Psychology Today lists varying reasons for why they think this is, such as: Men, currently in their late-30s and older, “Could reliably depend on women’s disproportionate investment in emotional and sexual attachment. Traditional masculine gender scripts, with a tendency toward avoidance of attachment, were suboptimal but functional in this constellation of relationship dynamics.”
This is a very mental health professional way of suggesting that women used to more willingly put up with men being emotionally stunted and avoidant. For example: I recently spoke to a friend who told me about an adult man she knows who is in his mid-thirties. She told me he’s single, lives alone, and has never cooked a meal in his life. He eats fast food every day. Every. Single. Day. Mind you, this man is also successful in his creative career. He has money and discipline. That discipline doesn’t extend to learning how to work a stove, though. Men like this have their act together in a sense, but still somehow choose not to take care of themselves in the most basic of ways. This is what we mean by emotionally stunted. It doesn’t mean you laugh at fart jokes (which are pretty objectively funny). It means you refuse to grow in a way that shows you can care for others.
More and more women are acknowledging these shortcomings as red flags. What used to be viewed as a potential “fixer upper” is now viewed as an, “abort mission”. These men can be appealing in many ways because they also identify as feminist and reject toxic notions of masculinity but, at the end of the day, don’t have the wherewithal to be there for a romantic interest in a truly equal partnership. These are the men who still rely on women to be their caretakers, whether they realize it or not. Just the notion that I would have to introduce fresh vegetables to this grown-ass man? Hard pass.
As the article continues, “Men could have increased their relationship skills to close the effort gap. They could have confronted their relative avoidance and challenged the gender norms that made them so anxious about intimacy.” Men could have made those healthy emotional choices, but they chose not to. Instead, they dug deeper into virtual worlds (cough *porn* cough) and became more detached from human connection entirely. Men are finding it a lot more convenient to simply jerk off to sex on their computer screens than seek out real-life sexual intimacy.
The effects of choosing porn over people are cited in this same article, with the author writing about a rise in, “Psychogenic-related erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, and diminished libido in men under 40 years old...” Hey, didn’t I write about dudes not keeping it up just a few months ago? I didn’t blame porn though, rather I discussed the anxieties men face around casual sex in a new social climate -- which we now see is why men may be turning to porn more. So, it does all come full circle, unfortunately.
Though the statistics suggest that young women are more coupled-up than men, it doesn’t specify who these women are coupled-up with. Other women? Much older men? So, what about those of us single women dating men who are more or less in our own age range? We are feeling the effects of men detaching themselves. It’s gotten to a point where openly voicing a desire for a deep romantic connection feels frowned upon. Outwardly expressing longing for love is either desperate, cringe, pathetic, patriarchal, or antiquated.
Look. I want the spark. I want making plans to be easy. I want to meet someone and we can both look at each other and say, “This feels good”. Here’s what we need to start talking about more: Love is not just a feeling, love is a choice. It doesn’t just happen when you least expect it and magically solve all your problems. That’s bullshit. Love happens when you decide you want it to happen. What happens though when you make that decision, but no one around you seems to have done the same? I feel like I’m floating in a sea full of single women who watch men approach the water but they don’t dare to dive in.
Currently, I am only actively pursued by men who are clearly fetishizing me for my larger body, or see me as a purely sexual entity rather than a whole complete person. And yes, I know that I often sexualize myself, but blaming me for being fetishized because I sometimes post thirst traps says more about you than it does me. I’d like to think people are evolved enough to not write a woman off as a sex fiend because she occasionally shows a sexual side to herself? I am a well-rounded woman who doesn’t hide her feelings. Sometimes those feelings are horny.
When I’m not being fetishized by men I’m not attracted to, I find myself being extremely underwhelmed by men who give me nothing. I’m on my usual grind of swiping but finding fewer and fewer men who intrigue me. I cringe at reading bios now: “Looking for new friends who can feed my addiction to cuddling”. Fuck off. What the hell is “relationship anarchy”? Why are you taking three days to respond to me asking how your day was? When, through the drudgery, a date does manage to happen, the conversation is stale or forced. Almost every guy I meet is vague about what he wants and even when I tell myself that’s fine, let’s just connect with this person, well, that becomes just as much a chore. There is little-to-no mental stimulation. They’re not being funny, or fun, or interesting. I’m exhausted trying to force connections in people who feel so hollow; who lack anything substantial to say and feel like the definition of watching paint dry, but in human form.
Look, for the sake of not being the subject of an angry men Reddit thread, I’ll emphasize this: I don’t think these men are actually vapid and boring. Well, not most of them anyway. But, there is a clear lack of enthusiasm that makes it feel this way. This is what happens when you deprioritize working on bettering yourself and instead suck yourself deeper into self-pity and depression. I can see it happening right in front of me. Men are not okay. We need to confront this, for the sake of all of us.
Where does this leave me? Well, I’m done with being disposable. I resent how hardened I’ve become. I resent having lost hope. I resent being proven right time and time again and being stuck in these inescapable patterns. The only silver lining from any of this is the sigh of relief I have from no longer feeling like it’s my fault. I’m sick of self-blame. There’s hard evidence to prove what I’ve been feeling for years and that feels validating. So now it’s time to come to Jesus.
This is your wake-up call, fellas. Women like me are prepared to stay single for as long as we need to. We don’t need men in our lives, not like we used to. We modern women now prioritize ourselves. We put more focus on our careers, our personal growth, and our friendships. We are less willing to spend energy trying to fix someone who should already be doing that for themselves. We have greater agency and higher levels of understanding of what it takes to be a good partner. The pressure is on men to become desirable to us. There are two ways forward: you can be bitter and angry and keep distancing yourself from real human intimacy because change is hard. Or, you can accept that you might have to put some real work into yourself in order to be more appealing to women. This work includes being less self-involved, less superficial, and more giving. I urge you to take the latter route, please.
I want the spark to return. I want dating to be fun again. Apathy is not the way into my heart or my pants. Not anymore. Guys, make the choice to love and be loved.
As a single man in todays world I feel something similar from the opposite side of the spectrum. I have a job, I’m responsible, I cook, I clean, I budget, I care for myself as well as a dog.
Most early relationships feel like I’m either someone’s easy out from a bad situation, or they just tell me what they think I want to hear while having no follow through. This makes it nearly impossible to truly get a feel for who someone is.
I personally feel we’re all desperate for connection, but online dating has become shopping at Amazon versus browsing through a random store and finding what you need. We’re provided an algorithm of options and I think compatibility is more complicated than that.
I agree with a majority of this though and to be honest it also makes me feel like I should prepare to die alone.