One Day, We Will All Be Sluts

Or at least we will all love and support them and the world will be a better place for it.

A few months ago, I was mindlessly scrolling TikTok when I first noticed it: the algorithm was showing me video after video of Onlyfans creators participating in a trend at the time. Participants, all women, highlighted the money and material rewards their “spicy” content has given them -- IE, a new house, a hot car, luxury vacations, etc. It was a fun way to participate in something “hashtag-trending”. Creators could promote their business, while also basking in their success. Everyone making the videos appeared to be in good spirits, confident and proud. But then I went straight to the comments (a habit I need to stop doing) and was shocked to see an onslaught of (presumably) straight men doing what they do best:  ruining the good vibes. Comment after comment was men insulting these women and mocking their success. Remarks in the vein of, “you’re going to regret this years from now” and “get a real job” and “good luck finding a husband” show up repetitively in all of these videos.

Now, I am fully aware that the glamorization of sex work is a whole thing in and of itself to unpack. Trust me, I know very well that it is not guaranteed to make you a millionaire. However, that’s not what I want to get into right now. What I want to get into is what I felt upon reading comment after comment from men insulting these women with so little regard for the sheer dehumanization of their judgmental remarks. Call me naive, but I truly was taken aback. I knew there’d be some, but it wasn’t just a negative comment here and there. On many videos, it was an overwhelming, hateful, majority. 

Recently, I was reminded of this again when the brother of Miley Cyrus (who apparently is a musician as well, but, who knows) posted an image of text with the caption “Only Fans”. It was an idiotic diatribe warning women of the dangers of being on Onlyfans. No man will want to wife you…men will not value you…you will never have a family…He even adds that any man who ethically pays for pornography is a “desperate loser”. Interesting take, Trace (yes his name is Trace).

With the growing normalization of sex work comes the reactionary hordes of those who oppose it. The rise of Onlyfans, and similar sites, has put sex work in the mainstream more than ever before -- while also broadening the definition for many as to what constitutes as sex work. Now, it’s easy to write off the opposition from men in particular as something like jealousy or bitterness toward women able to profit in a way that seems, to them, “too easy”. This monetization, and occlusion, of sexual content also brings up the fact that many men are irate at the thought of having to pay for something they believe they deserve free access to, on demand. And yet, while this all is true, I think the larger picture of what’s happening here is even more severe than that. What I believe is the root of this is deeper than anger. It’s fear. 

Women are more independent now than we’ve ever been in the history of womanhood. We are truly living in an age (in Western society) where we can live long, fulfilling, and satisfying lives without men. In the past decade or so, not only has our independence grown but our self-awareness as well. We see our worth and our value on a larger scale and are learning, with greater understanding, our boundaries and emotional needs. We are better encouraged to prioritize ourselves and our mental health ahead of the social pressure to first please men. We’ve worked to obliterate the myth that rejecting marriage and/or traditional motherhood roles is somehow selfish or undesirable. Many women still want these things of course, don’t get me wrong, but not just any man will do anymore. He needs to be the right man. There are still too many men who don’t get this aspect of our collective frustration. Many of us still desire romantic and lifelong partnerships but are finding it hard to meet men who can appreciate that our standards have been raised. We want an equal partnership with men who understand our needs and want to contribute more than just financially or on any other surface level. It’s on men now to become partners we want and that shift is creating a new type of anxiety for men.

The men who are angry and afraid -- who don’t want the status quo to change -- now appear to be doubling down on the only thing they really have left to hold over us: slut-shaming. Regardless of the many strides feminism has made, sexual freedom in all its forms is still somehow lacking in not just acceptance, but also respectability. Both feminists and misogynists have historically agreed on this: being a slut is bad. One side viewed it as objectification and feeding into patriarchism, while the other side viewed it as lacking self-respect or the ability to be a proper wife or mother. 

Naturally, feminism in its many waves has grown more and more accepting of sex work over the years, acknowledging that the system needs to change moreso than those participating in it. Letting women have more agency in their sex work while also prioritizing female pleasure has altered how we view women in sex work. However, I still find that, collectively, our society holds antiquated notions about the morality and virtue of any openly sexual woman, sex worker or not. To be a woman who prioritizes her sexuality and shows off her sexual prowess is still viewed as vapid, vain, or vulgar. You must lack depth or self-awareness, to be publicly participating in such a private thing and thus, even if your openness with sexuality is considered valid in theory, in practice it’s not actually respected. 

One of my biggest pet peeves over the years of being a self-proclaimed “slut” is the amount of judgment I’ve felt from other women. Even if there is a vocal show of support, there’s still an air of condescension. Lots of: 'It’s fine if you do it, but I could never…' I’ve experienced my own friends making fun of other women who show pictures of their asses, knowing that’s something I’ve totally done. The implication being that it’s desperate for attention or narcissistic. And it can be, sure, but so can posting a picture of a dumb meal you ate or reviewing an arthouse film you watched or a blog about your vacation no one cares about. Everything we post is vain. We are all seeking attention, one way or another. That’s why we are addicted to social media, and have created a hellscape that only grows wider and deeper and continues to permeate our everyday lives in ways that are probably really bad for us but, you know, too late now. So why is the sexual kind of attention-seeking the bad kind?

Even when it comes to having sex, when I hear other women exaggerate how they feel bad for missing out on one-night stands because they simply can’t hook up with someone unless there’s a deep, emotional connection -- part of me wonders how much of that is really the case? Demisexuals, I  know you’re out here and you’re valid and all that, but I also know in the past -- when I have claimed to feel similarly -- it was because I was slut-shaming myself before doing any actual slutting. I had years where I would get into deep anxiety spirals, guilting myself about my random hookups, convinced they would lead to my downfall. I understand it’s not for everyone, and I’m not trying to encourage you to fuck a stranger or whatever, but I implore you to really dig deep and ask yourself why you really think you’re not the “kind of girl” to have a “random” hookup (that is safe and consensual of course)? When I dug deep, I knew it was because of my own slut-shaming and internalized misogynistic messaging that made me believe I was being “used” and thus, devalued by society. Maybe that could be the case for you too. Look, all I’m really saying is, it’s fun to fuck and being single shouldn’t stop that from happening. If I’m being “used” well, so is the guy who has my pubes stuck in his teeth.

Because the Madonna/Whore complex is still our collective norm, slut-shaming holds power in ways that other kinds of woman-bashing no longer does. These men going extra hard on the slut-shaming now must instinctively know this. Insulting us for being an “unmarried spinster” or “childless loner” or even “ugly” doesn’t have the same power now that it might have decades prior. Insulting us for being a “dumb slut”, however, still does. 

The good news is, it’s still a losing battle for them. The sad reality is that, right now, it’s at the part where it gets worse before it gets better. We will be seeing a lot more angry comments and videos of neckbeard podcasters spewing absolute garbage in a desperate attempt to make women care about their opinions. But just know that all of this is just clearly their fear over loss of control. 

At this point you may be wondering, how can we end the battle quickly? By supporting sex work openly and vocally and acknowledging the internalized slut-shamer within. For every “you’ll never be a wife” comment throw in a, “good for her”. You know, stuff like that.

Look, being horny is never going away. Trust me, I’ve tried to tone it down, but really it’s like opening a can of Pringles. Once you pop, the fun don’t stop (please tell me you remember these commercials). Those who want to make the most of their sexual prowess, and pay for a house or car with the power of their horny fanbase, should be able to do so freely and without shame. These creators should also be acknowledged as multi-faceted human beings with complex lives and thoughts and plenty of other strengths and skills to boot. 

On a larger scale, the complete normalization of sex work (along with decriminalization of full-service sex work) will eventually force an even more powerful thing to happen: men will change for the better. I really do believe this. It won’t happen in a day, but it will happen eventually. Because at the point slut-shaming has no effect on us, they truly will have nothing left to do other than finally accept that the tables have turned. They will have to find ways to attract us outside of simply holding power. Once an openly sexual woman is able to be seen as more than just a sexual object, and is able to live a life free of public shame, her personhood will be established, acknowledged, and respected. The Madonna/Whore complex will erode because, frankly, we are all Madonnas and we are all Whores. The hypocrisy we’ve had to endure for eons needs to vanish. Sex shouldn’t be a whiplash dichotomy of both shame and love, all at once. Having sex shouldn’t be both socially taboo and encouraged -- if only because that confusing message is so damaging to the healthy development of children and young adults. If you want to see how that damage plays out, IRL, look no further than the comments section on any spicy creator’s social media. 

So what I’m here to say is, it’s time we pick a side. On one hand we have a dying culture of repression and misogyny and on the other, we have a future of empowerment and independence. So when you’re asked to choose, the choice is obvious…choose to let people show you their butthole for money and don’t make it weird, ok people?!?