It’s embarrassing to admit now but when I first started comedy, at the young and dumb age of 22, I gave myself a five-year plan. At the time, I believed wholeheartedly that I would be starring in a Judd Apatow movie within the next five years (it was a different time, forgive me). I thought quite highly of myself, which is pretty necessary for such a pursuit, so no harm there, but I also naively thought that the industry was actually pretty easy to break into with the right amount of talent (lol at my dumb ass). As time passed, and it became clear that starring in the “Knocked Up” sequel wasn’t happening, I still thought that, by 30, I would at least have a TV show. Then 30 hit…
While I’ve tried pitching several tv shows, most of them were concepts I wasn’t extremely passionate about but were deemed “sellable” by my then-manager. And yes, you guessed it, they were all variations of being a twenty-something Fat Woman trying to navigate single life with her close friend group. They went nowhere. So, instead, I started a strip show for fat women. Talk about a hard pivot. Fast forward to the present day and I strip, work whatever side jobs and part-time gigs I can get, slut it up online for my Stevensimps, and continue to perform comedy at small theaters and bar shows. Hell, I’m still losing money every time I perform, and you know what? I fucking love it.
Admittedly, I used to hate this grind because I never saw it for what it was: Freedom, complete autonomy. Self-fulfillment. Self-actualization. Instead, I only saw the struggle. A life lived on the low rung of the ladder to Success. Would 22-year-old me be disappointed in her life over a decade later? On paper, absolutely. If you told her we still haven’t achieved the coveted Network Television Show or starred in Big Time Movie or been offered Major Book Deal she’d be sobbing on the floor asking where everything went wrong? She would demand to know what bad choices she’d made that led to this lack of Success.
People constantly told me when I was younger that, one day, I would regret the choices I was making. I’d regret the tattoos. I’d regret talking so candidly about my sex life. I’d regret posting revealing images of myself. While those doomy prognostications scared me back then, if anything, I’ve only leaned into these things more. I continue to live this way because I have no regrets. This is who I am. I’m just growing more and more comfortable being myself and by that I mean, a fat slut who likes to be both sensitive and a bitch. That’s something 22-year-old me would be proud of. That’s something current me is proud of too, despite living in a studio apartment I can just barely afford. Turns out, being myself means I’m not so appealing to a mass market and it turns out, I am very okay with that. Something I’ve come to realize is, perhaps my former definition of Success hasn’t happened yet because I don’t actually want it. I prefer to stay under the radar if it means I truly get to be me.
What do I want then? I want comfort, some respect, and the opportunity to create the stuff I like to create without restrictions. Obviously, I want people to appreciate what I do–any entertainer is absolutely lying if they say otherwise–but I don’t look at fame the same way I did then. If anything, I see fame as a necessary evil in order to become wildly successful in this field and, for me, becoming wildly successful isn’t a priority anymore.
I have a comedy special, VubiTV+ Presents: Alison Stevenson: Horny Bitch: A Comedy Special, coming out Friday, August 4th. I wanted it to be nothing like a traditional stand-up comedy special. The concept stemmed from this image: While on stage, I announce to the audience that I need a stool, then a stagehand joins me onstage. He gets down on all fours and becomes my stool. I sit on him for the duration of my set. Well, from that one image, an entire “plot” was constructed involving four different service subs joining me on stage while I perform my stand-up for an hour. Not only that, but there’s even a B plot where the entire special is produced by a fake streaming platform owned by ExxonMobil called VubiTV+ complete with an opening introductory video by the VubiTV+ tech bro CEO.
The process of bringing this to life was life-affirming on so many levels. The amount of creativity that can flow from having no rules, no boundaries, and no one to please other than yourself, is astounding. Especially thanks to the collaborative effort from people who joined the project knowing there wouldn’t be a lot of money in it. We all worked together to make this, and I am truly so grateful that I managed to attract such people into my orbit. From Derek and Eric who were down to make a ridiculously fun introductory video about a fake streaming platform, to Katelyn who was down to play a marketing executive for that platform and give an opening speech to the audience in attendance, to Sam who co-directed with me and helped bring to life the various dom/sub vignettes between my stand up.
Then, of course, there are my loyal “subs”, Taylor, Mike, Jack, and Binks. They endured rehearsals in sweaty ski masks and beautifully executed their roles come showtime. Austin, Justice, and Nash filmed, edited, and video-directed the entire thing with the little money I could give them. Again, I’m stunned by how well everything turned out, and how I left the Elysian Theater that night so damn proud. This isn’t to say it was perfect. It’s not perfect. And yet, it still kind of is. The imperfections are what make it special. I don’t believe in trying to hide flaws. If something’s good enough, the flaws don’t matter. To me, this special is good enough.
So we made this weird wonderful thing and now, a year later, it’s ready to be seen by the public. This of course means that I had to spend weeks promoting it. I’ve been working hard at that and in doing so, inadvertently came across a legion of Twitter Haters, flocking to the trailer to talk shit and be tragically and predictably, complete and utter trolls about it. I’d share some screenshots, but I blocked most of them and don’t have it in me to unblock them in order to see their shit-talking once more. Suffice it to say, most of it was about me being unattractive and fat but also too sexual (which I guess means I can’t be funny?)
I’m not surprised by these reactions.
People think I lack self-awareness. As if I do everything that I do fully believing I am palatable to a mass audience. I know there’s not a chance in hell I’ll ever be on SNL, or whatever the fuck comedians strive for these days. I know that’s not me. I post my naked fat body knowing this. I perform my comedy knowing this. I made my BDSM-themed comedy special completely aware of this too.
That’s why I really don’t care when misogynist mouthbreathers tell me my comedy is “stereotypical female comedy”. You know, because It’s about sex and evidently that’s all women talk about (which is apparently a bad thing). Something I’d love to ask these very people is, why does it really bother you to hear a woman talk about her sex life? What is so off-putting about a woman giving her perspective on dating, or relationships? How is it so much worse when a woman does it versus when a man does? Could it be that it’s because women are critical of men in these bits? Could it be that your anger stems from taking things personally? Lighten up, I thought you could take a joke! Sidenote: even my own “alternative comedy” peers, who like to think their material is more “elevated”, will look down on material of this nature and it’s like, why reject something that’s so deeply part of human nature? To me, all stand-up material is just the same 3 jokes told over and over and if you’re good at what you do, your joke is presented in a way that doesn’t seem like that’s the case. But, it still is. So, in other words, get over yourself.
Anyway, back to the real point I’m trying to make. When the term “hot girl comedy” was floating around, I knew that, though I’ve technically been what this term is referring to for years, I wasn’t who they were suddenly talking about. Why? Because I’m not “hot”. My exhibitionism and dominating aura are not the kind of “hot” that gets attention (for better or worse). If I had tried to be the “hot girl comic” they’re referring to, it would have definitely helped me. Maybe now I would be Girl Boss on TV Show as, Likable Fat Woman Who Still Hides Her Stomach.
My special doesn’t utilize sexuality in any way that pleases men. I’m being a dominatrix in a world that wants women to be submissive. I’m a pillow princess. A greedy, selfish lover. I don’t care if you come. I’m fat and I like it. I know you think I’m ugly and it doesn’t bother me. I think you’re uglier. Etc. Etc.
This is not the messaging that gets you “booked and busy” in a field that is still largely male-dominated and even more largely a market that still caters to men’s desires above women’s. Does that make me a cookie-cutter? Fuck no! But to understand these nuances would require complex thought of which most Angry Twitter Men (and their lost women allies) are incapable. To appeal to the masses, you must be dulled down to just a nub of what was once a sharp idea. Everything has to be carefully spelled out, and a boundary can only be pushed if a test market deems it acceptable and “higher ups” with nothing but dollar signs in their eyes give it the green light.
As the years go by, and I become less and less appealing to the very industry I was once so desperate to please, I feel a wonderful sense of freedom. I’m sick of the rat race and of trying to make myself palatable to people who I don’t think will ever truly get me and, honestly, maybe I don’t want to be…got. Would I like financial stability and some opportunities to do things on a grander scale? Sure. I’m human! We all want that shit! Will I be distraught if that day never comes? No. Because I am already living the dream. Oddly enough, I had to finally wake up in order to realize it.
This is a sponsored post paid for by VubiTV+ in an effort to promote, “VubiTV+ Presents: Alison Stevenson: Horny Bitch: A Comedy Special”, premiering online August 4th at 7AM PST. If you found anything in this newsletter resonating, relatable, or life-affirming we sincerely apologize for the inconvenience. Our intention was purely to promote the special to an audience of less than 1,000 people who subscribe to this newsletter.
You're so money and you don't even know it*
*actually you do but that's the quote [from the movie Swingers] I kept hearing in my head reading this because you really are living your life in celebration of yourself and that could not BE more MoneyAF®️™️