Heads up, this is a super heteronormative piece examining casual sex between men and women. Know that everything I am talking about here is from that perspective (my perspective).
The lore about casual sex, even in 2022, is that men can do it more easily than women. We’re told women will always want a relationship, even if we say we don’t, because we inevitably “catch feelings”. I gotta admit, even I used to believe this fallacy. In my twenties, I consistently wanted to date the men I was sleeping with but, honestly, I didn't even really know them well or like them all that much. Looking back at these guys now, I can’t help but shudder at the thought of getting into a serious relationship with almost any of them. They were just some dudes, ya know? And, yet something made me cling to them after we fucked. I built these men up to be Gods on Earth as opposed to just, you know, a guy named Patrick who wants to listen to Husker Du on repeat while he sweats on top of me. But why? What was the reason for my instant clinginess? I’ve come to understand it wasn’t feelings, it was slut-shaming. I convinced myself I had to have deeper relationships with these men lest I be perceived, both externally and internally, as a filthy slut. I thought it was my duty to be more than just a fuck, no matter who it was with.
In general, women are made to feel bad for having any kind of good time – sex especially must have meaning or a higher purpose or we become meaningless and devalued. Thus sleeping around, even if not “shameful”, is positioned as a personal failing because of the perceived emptiness of the act. We sleep with guy after guy because we’re weak and don’t know how to say no, or because we need the validation it brings, or because we have issues with our father. (I have mommy issues, thank you very much!) Even progressive and liberated women I know and respect will utter phrases deeply rooted in misogynistic thinking regarding how I shouldn’t ‘give it away so easily’ or that I should ‘have more self-respect’. Or, even more insidious comments about how these men don’t deserve it/me. While that’s intended as support, it still positions vaginal sex as some precious commodity being forfeited, not something to partake in purely for pleasure purposes.
Frustratingly, it’s been mostly these women in my life who have made me feel bad for my one-night stands and random hookups. I get it, I understand why so many women are hesitant to approve of, or indulge in, such behavior. For women, sleeping around isn’t allowed to be about the physical sensations of hot sex. We’re not permitted to enjoy it with someone we don’t love. When we do, we’re still not really allowed to talk about it unless we are prepared to face serious repercussions from incels and trolls and older relatives who suffer brain rot from endless hours of Fox News. I mean, look at just how different it is between the genders. Men, generally, are shockingly chill about hitting it raw and hardly ever getting tested, while women have to write blog posts in defense of their sexual proclivities. Men don’t face the same kind of judgment and moral panic we do because they’re allowed to be hedonistic. Therefore, they’re allowed to have a much more laissez-faire attitude about fucking (but please, fellas, get tested regularly).
I understand all this, and you probably do too. I promise I’m not trying to patronize you. Just have to do the necessary preface before the revelation of my new bullshit. You get it, right? Ultimately, the point is, thank fuck I got over it all. I grew up and faced my deepest darkest demon: mama horny. I like to fuck and have my clit sucked and I don’t need to have a deep emotional connection with the person I’m enjoying it with (another claim I hear a lot). We can be cordial, we can be buds, we can be two horny people who meet at a bar. Is that a damn crime? No! Well, except for one time in a public elevator. In the years since I’ve quelled most of my anxiety around casual sex, and no longer do things like convince myself a man ghosted me because he must have had syphilis and didn’t want to tell me (most of my intrusive thoughts were around STI’s because my anxiety brain deemed contracting one the ultimate punishment for being a slut).
I don’t slut-shame myself anymore (and part of that is always practicing safe sex). But not long ago, I was conflicted about being casual. Why had sex been feeling ~weird~ again, like it did back then? Why had I been experiencing unease and even some sadness from it? I ask, but I already know the answer. Ready? Here it is. I had casual sex with the wrong person and for the wrong reason — as a consolation prize rather than getting what I really wanted from him: actual emotional intimacy.
Crumbs of attention no longer suffice when what I truly desire is the whole damn loaf.
I recently dated someone (albeit briefly) who I was excited about. We had a good dynamic and, I don’t know, something was there and I caught feelings. Of course, a few weeks into it I hear what I almost always hear from men in Los Angeles: “I’m not trying to get into a relationship right now”. As someone who maybe holds the world record for being told this phrase, I am no longer surprised or even hurt upon hearing this. It’s par for the course at this point. I expect it, even. Obviously, I always hope maybe this time it will be different so, yes, it can still be a bit of a blow.
It hurt this time because I really thought this guy was different. The vibes felt like he really liked me. I mean, he even told me he really liked me. So, you know, I believed it. Well, when the vibe suddenly shifted, and the prospect of a relationship was no more, he still graciously offered me the opportunity to continue hooking up with him. What a mensch! I’m always torn in situations like these. I am beyond thinking I can change someone’s mind or feelings. I knew that if I agreed it would just be hooking up and nothing more, and I told myself I was okay with that because why not have someone to fuck as I continue my search for an emotionally available man? God knows it will be a long, tumultuous search. Might as well get some dick in the process, right?
After a few weeks of doing ‘the casual thing’ I had a come-to-Jesus moment. I thought hard about our interactions. My revelation? The sex sucked. It was lackluster. Disappointing. When it came to me and this guy, from the start, the actual hooking up was the worst part. Sex wasn’t what made our dynamic work, and to now make it all about that left me wondering, “why am I doing this?” It wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t…great. I don’t blame him nor do I blame myself (this is me being very mature because young Alison would have 100% blamed him). It was the sort of thing where I could see it getting better if we put more effort into it, and actually seriously dated, but we barely saw each other enough as it was, and I didn’t have the energy for all that.
So how much of this was me actually wanting to fuck versus me really wanting the before and after that fucking brings? We all know the answer to that. I did what I promised myself I would never do again. Accepting the bare minimum from a man for the smallest bit of emotional intimacy and using (mediocre) physical intimacy as the means of getting it. This is precisely when and why casual sex can suck. This is the exact situation in which we shouldn’t be doing it and especially if we ain’t COMING HARD.
So, it all came to a stop. Well, more like a slow fade-out. I stopped texting. He stopped texting. We’re still friendly, sure, but everything else is over. And, guess what happened only a few weeks later? I hooked up with an old acquaintance, for whom I have no romantic feelings, and it was some of the best sex of my life. I felt great afterward, and will probably do it again. No feelings attached and with the express purpose of physical pleasure, which I got a good helping of. This is when sex, casual or not, is ideal.
This is all to say: circumstances are everything. Sex is malleable. It can be deep and meaningful and sacred but it doesn’t have to be. It can also just be fucking. Your relationship with casual sex can change over time, from situation to situation, and person to person. To believe that casual sex is impossible for you is a valid opinion, sure, but maybe also not? I urge anyone who thinks they “can’t” have casual sex to really examine why they feel that way. Do you simply not enjoy the sex in these circumstances or are you afraid to? If upon examination, you’re still not into it, that’s totally chill and I guess I’ll go ahead and respect that. But then I would urge you to refrain from casting judgment on the rest of us fun sluts who do partake in being eaten out by kind gentlemen, freshly out of some relationship, who don’t want anything too serious right now but would love to be sightly suffocated by a pair of thick thighs on a semi-frequent basis. You see, that kind of judgment creates a cultural fog that fools some of us into thinking we are wrong for our desires and, frankly, we’re not. I am a full-on horndog, and that’s okay.
What I have learned on this planet is one can't truly presume or assume traits between the genders. My other comment is to be honest, women "ARE" in general going to be hornier then guys over the full arc of life time. Why? The act of sex in heterosexual engagement is tremendously dangerous for women. The end act of sex (pregnancy) can literally kill her (even soon in some red states), so to actively say mommy is horny feed the beautiful and delicious beast "NOW" take a lot.
If I personalize this from my rose colored glasses, I am highly charged and kinky AF, but I need connection to go crazy and be happy. I don't just randomly connect, but on the flip side I don't expect my partner to follow my belief structures, so if they need some extra as long as they are clean, safe, open, and honest that is the core and most important thing.
But hide things or purposely keep the secrets (aka in the old days as on the down low) nope, that is an ender for me. Gee, makes me sound more like a woman in a traditional scoped view no?
I had a close friend for whom we broke apart (long story isn't it all a long one?), and I now can reflect on it from years ahead and I can see she just was interested in random cock with the safety of knowing the person as a friend. That was her thing, she needed to get some and have dudes in different "ports" or cities and that made her happy. Blinded by the past, I didn't see it or get it and had my own shit, but I now know that even if the stars aligned, it would not have lasted (unless it was for a a monthly / quarterly type thing of FWB.
Not for me (at this point in my life), but hey we are all beautifully and amazingly different. Just like you who are amazing and have needs and desires and fuck patriarchal standards and conditioning as it never made anyone happy except those that are limited in bed. I mean if you are going to have collars, chains and restraints at least have safewords with out the need for a pair of lawyers in the end ...